Conservative Christian Rewrites Harry Potter So Her Kids Won’t Turn Into Witches

such lawls. much farcical: “A woman taking pride in her appearance is honoring the Lord; because after all, it is the Lord who gave her a pretty face and nice hair”

an excerpt from Mike Albo’s “The Underminer”

(featured in This American Life - 9.5.2013)

You’re here early. Oh my God, do you have my scarf? Did you bring it? No, that’s OK. No, it’s just that I got it in India when I was there, and it’s just this really beautiful thing, and I really treasure it. It’s just really important to me. It’s not like the cheaply-made Barneys CO-OP stuff that you buy. I don’t mean “you buy,” I mean “you buy.” Oh, I wish you would have remembered. No, that’s OK. You’re so flaky.

Are you sick? You look sort of tired. Is there something wrong? Oh, you went out drinking last night? It’s so great how you can still do that. You’re so crazy. Did you throw up? Oh, no, I just mouth-threw-up for a second.

OK, so I didn’t want you to hear this from someone else, but I just made $2 million. Yeah. So I’m pretty happy about it. My agent’s pretty happy about it. It’s just really lucky, because you know, like, with the recession, it’s like I made my money before the apocalypse and now I’ll able to live comfortably. It’s just sort of locked in. And I can’t tell you about the details of the deal, but if you could just do me a huge, huge favor and just don’t mention it to anyone? I know you have sort of a problem being discreet.

Oh, order something? Oh, no. No. No, I’m not drinking anymore. Oh, no, go ahead. Have fun. I’m just not drinking anymore. I just realized there’s a little bit more to life. But go ahead, have fun. You’re so crazy.

So what’s up with you? Oh, my God, when was the last time I saw you? I am totally hanging out with Tobey Maguire and Reese and Ryan and David Blaine. We jokingly call it the “Millionaire’s Club.” Oh, you know that children’s book I wrote really fast for no reason? It’s a Funny Sunny Day? Well, I just found out it’s selling like crazy and can barely stay on the shelves. And I got another voiceover gig. It’s weird, they just like my voice. I don’t even have to leave home. I just call it in. Oh, no, it’s— I just sort of fell into it. You should try it. But it’s really hard to get into. But you should try it.

You’re looking for a place? Good luck. God, it’s so hard to find a good place right now. This guy called me and begged me to take his beautiful 4,000-square-foot loft space. It’s $300, but he’s actually paying me to live there forever. So what’s going on with you?

I think your body looks good. It’s normal. It’s a normal body. Really? Well, that’s too bad. Well, I just feel like you need a little more confidence in yourself, you know? Like, I feel like I’m a direct person. I say what I feel. You’re more— you’re more— I don’t know what you are. But I have to say I don’t know how you do it. I’m so glad I’m not single. It looks so hard.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I just ran into Carl. No, he looks good. He’s good. He’s good. Yeah, he says he hasn’t talked to you. No. He seems like he’s moving forward and you guys broke up and he’s just sort of moving on with his life. He’s in this really good relationship right now, and they just bought this huge beautiful place upstate and they’re fixing it up together. We just had a really good time talking. And you know what? He’s been working out. His body looks amazing. You know, when you and Carl were going out, I never really understood why you liked him. But now I totally do.

So nothing’s going on with you? [LAUGHTER] No, I’m sorry. I’m just remembering a funny joke that Carl told me. No, I’m listening.

A haiku on food:

Temporarily
Satisfying and full of
Regret. Lots of poo.

By Megan Gray & clinton freeman

never gets old

isn’t it amazing?

that feeling of being with family and friends. most of the time it’s taken for granted. that feeling of comfort and the notion that things will be okay because they are there with you, and you are actually happy, and everything else is simply trivial. security is so special and so often overlooked as a central part to one’s happiness and i just hope to never forget that. i want to remember this feeling and the power that people you love and care about can have over you, because really, aren’t we just lost without them? wouldn’t we just be floating in space, ungrounded, unattached, unknowing whether our emotional, physical, or even mental state is safe if not for the people in our lives that remind us of what’s important?

an encounter i had

recently i’ve taken to spending my lunch breaks at panera, making use of my free daily-cup-o-joe-in-july perk. there was an elderly couple sitting at a table near me today and i hadn’t thought much about them except maybe they would judge me for eating my packed lunch. at any rate, i don’t know if it was the thunderstorm going on outside or the fact that i didn’t actually burn my tongue on the coffee this time, but it felt like an even more perfect day to read than usual. and what better way to relax than to do just that? out of nowhere the old man asks if my computer’s broken, and my initial look of confusion prompted him to continue, ”it’s good to see people still read books.” he may have caught me off guard, but i immediately thought about how creative and informative books can be and how most of my friends read even more than i do. and so i assured them that books are still relevant and the lady was so overjoyed as to clap her hands together and exclaim with excitement, “oooh!!” 

that was it. that was the extent of our encounter and yet it left me distracted for the remainder of their presence at panera. if my ethics class last semester left me with anything, it’s that technology has had an extremely dangerous and unpredictable effect on people, especially those younger than myself. if i’m already worried about the future of society in their hands, then i can hardly imagine what older generations are thinking about its current state. these people have real, significant memories and experiences from a period when books (rather than 4G and snapchat) were a constant.

sure the internet is a powerful tool, but “powerful” doesn’t necessarily mean good and “tool” doesn’t necessarily translate to effective. if generations can be subdivided into mini-gens, then i’m in the mini-gen that’s not only contributing to the problem, but also recognizes the problem, has to deal with it, and will live long enough to see how everything plays out. there’s a lot to be said about a society dictated by computers and the subtle obsolescence of books, but for now there’s this

spaces-faces-places:

An interesting look at “parking craters” in various cities across the United States. I’m shocked they didn’t show Atlanta at all

(Source: pleatedjeans)

waiting for my sister to post her wedding pics online and i’m too excited and impatient so, my lucky followers, behold!

planned a route to run along. route not actually interesting but what a cool feature!

quite possibly the best video that exists on the internet

She got out her sketchbook and made a few pencil lines. He stood and walked all the way to the edge of the cliff, glanced over, almost far enough to topple, but she caught him with her pencil, secured him to the page.
story of my life.

story of my life.